


Pinwheel

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Feelings, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, Letters, M/M, Suicide Notes, fucking hate those "feelings" things too dw babe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-19 05:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's been eight years since Minghao moved away from LA, and Josh is tired of waiting at the pinwheel for him.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Xu Ming Hao | The8, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	Pinwheel

Hey, I don't know when or how you'll get this, but I wanted you to have some way to remember me well.

Remember when we first met, Minghao? We were children back then. Everything felt so carefree and nice, back when we didn't have any worries or stresses, back when we could just be children and be happy within each others' presence.

I would have loved to say that the moments had been around for a long time, but they had not. Neither of us were perfect, nor were our families, so we managed to gather up troubles and responsibilities quickly. I was only twelve, and you were ten. We should have still been bright-eyed, joyful children, but we had our youth stripped from ourselves too quickly.

I remember the first time you came to my house. It was late at night, a night I would never grow to forget.

My mother opened the door. I couldn't see much from the couch, but I remember hearing how tired you sounded, like you had sprinted the two streets that separated our houses to get to mine. She let you in easily, claiming how she was excited that her little bunny had made a friend, but we had to stay in the living room. I knew she only said that because she's never trusted me with other kids.

You started crying as soon as you saw me. I let you climb up onto the couch next to me and lean close against me, shaking with your own sobs, even though you were trying your hardest to calm yourself down.

No ten year old should have gone through that pain.

I tried my best to help you, hugging you in close to me and petting your hair to relax you, making little shushing sounds to try to sooth your shaking. You said that we made it through whatever that was (which I had later learned was called a panic attack, your first one of many to come) together, even though I tried to tell you that you did it because you were strong.

I knew you thought that I shouldn't have known what to do or say then, but I never told you it was because of how my best friend down the street had them, did I? Do you remember Bekka, or is she just a small blip in your memories of me? Do you even remember much of me at all anymore?

When your breathing was finally evened out, I asked you what had went wrong. You just couldn't say it, so I tried to tell you to show me. You started shaking again then, but I knew it was something you were determined to tell me. It's just how you've always been; when you get your mind set to doing something, there's no stopping you. To this day, I'm still not sure why you trusted me so much to talk to me about what he did.

As soon as you touched your thigh and pointed to the tiny bruise on your collarbone, everything made sense.

I shouldn't have even known what that was, and you should have never had to deal with it happening to you. You were centuries too young to be touched like that, especially by someone you were born to have blind faith in.

I told you that you could stay with me for as long as you wanted, but you said you could only stay for the night. I knew your parents would be calling around as soon as your mother woke up, but I still didn't want you to go near that house ever again.

We made a pillow fort on the floor and watched Ghibli movies; it reminded us of what it was like to be pure-minded children again. So what, if we had to clean up our thrown snacks in the morning? So what, if we had to ask my mom to change out the movie every time one finished, since we didn't know how to use the DVD player yet? It was nice.

Two days after that night was the first time I ever took you up to the hill. My closest Hyung, Seungcheol, had shown me it when I was really young, but he moved back to Daegu before you ever got to meet him. You said that the field was pretty, but it was stupid that there was only one tiny pinwheel in the center of it. After the first time, we went to the hill every single Wednesday. It was our new tradition.

I said that Seungcheol-hyung told me that it looked like the pinwheel was waiting for someone. Ever since you left, I've been feeling a lot like that pinwheel.

I remember that day vividly. You came to my house with tears in your eyes, which wasn't uncommon anymore. I was getting ready to murder your father before you told me the news. Your mother got a job offer back in Beijing, and she was taking you with her to get away from your father. 

I wanted to be so happy for you, but my little Haohao was going to leave me. You were flying all the way from Los Angeles, California to Beijing, all the way to China, and I'd probably never be able to see you again.

Yes, I was happy you were finally going to get far, far away from him. Yes, I was happy you were going somewhere where you could speak your mother tongue outside of at home and not be judged or called names because of how you looked. Yes, I was excited for you because you were going to be able to be in a place that felt more like home than the United States probably ever did.

But you were leaving me.

A pinwheel in the center of a vast field turns alone in the wind.

Now, I keep the pinwheel company. Every Wednesday, I sit in the field with it and spin it around and around; just relax and let the wind take away my thoughts and just let myself... Exist. More often now, it's more than just on Wednesdays.

I've been getting more and more stressed and anxious as the days pass by without you. It was like you were my life support up until I was sixteen.

It's officially been eight years since you left.

It's not even a Wednesday today, but I'm sitting next to the pinwheel and thinking of you anyways. You're always on my mind nowadays, Xu Minghao. I want to be here for you if you ever come back, but it's hard. It's hard when I don't know how long you'll be or if you even will be back at all.

Once, I even forgot to come to the field for two whole weeks. It seemed like time was trying to take you away from me, like the pinwheel was growing rusty and could not turn anymore. I was starting to forget you. Sometimes I think bad things and I avoid the pinwheel, like what if you've forgotten about me. There's no guarantee you haven't.

So I've decided that I will not wait in this field any longer. I'll move on from the pinwheel, but I'll still be waiting for you. It won't be in this field, and it won't be in this life, but I will wait. In another life, maybe in another field, with another lonely pinwheel, I will be waiting.

Please, don't be sad, Haohao. This isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything to stop me from doing this. I could have done a lot for myself, like getting help to feel less empty instead of sitting with this fucking pinwheel, or gotten enough money to fly out to Beijing, or gotten a contact before you switched phones, but I didn't. I didn't do that.

So, please don't be upset with yourself, little _dìdì_ (have you gotten over me spelling it out yet? I still don't remember the character), because none of it is your fault. I love you, and I always will. Even if I'm not here for you in person, for moral support, for guiding, for anything, just know that I will always be there in some way.

And even if you get lost, in your own thoughts, on the path of life, or in any other ways, you can just come round and round back to me, like the pinwheel. Even if it's far ahead in the future, that we'll meet again in person, there will always be parts of me everywhere.

Stay strong for me, okay?

Sincerely,

Your favorite Hyung

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written with two of my own characters, so if I happened to have missed any traces of them, I'm sorry ^^'


End file.
